Before you get Married: 10 things to Clear up

Getting married is something so many people think of, dream of and wish for, but many a times people fail to think beyond the wedding day. Many people jump head first into marriage without discussing the most important things thoroughly (if at all) with their would-be spouse.  Some are afraid of the answers.  Some have their heads in the clouds and assume things will just "work out"!  It does not matter how long you are engaged.  What matters is how many honest discussions you have had with your significant other about these 10 Things...

Faith & Belief:  Oh Yes, one of the most important things in marriage faith & belief, are you marrying someone as the same faith as you? Do you have the same beliefs? If you are marrying someone from outside your faith are they willing to convert? What compromises are you willing to make as regards your faith? We know that there are a lot of different doctrines, beliefs and practices. Your church no wear makeup and your fiancée dey wear even fix weave-on, what is the expectation after marriage as you be elder for church? The fact that both partners are Christians does not cut it. You might share the same faith but differing doctrine and practice can be a big case in marriage. Oya sort am out now.

Personality Check:  Question: Do you really know who you want to marry? How much investigation have you done on this person? Do you know his/her background, family, and friends, how much of his/her past do you know? What baggage is he/she carrying?  What are the habits or behaviors that annoy you, how much and how long can you stand it?  Those things you question and keep pushing to the back of your mind, hmm...  Clear it up now, make sure that you are not going into marriage with doubt in your mind.  Confront him/her, talk to friends and family, or hire a private investigator.  E no matter how you do am, just make sure say you are okay with this person, listen & PAY CAREFUL ATTENTION while you are in company or chatting.  Bring up what you have been told and notice if answers are dodged.

Understanding: Hmm, this one sef na serious one, say the guy fine, set, dey ok no mean say all balance. Say the lady go school and get better work no mean say she be the one for you. Question be say shey una dey understand una sef? When you talk do you get the same interpretation of the words that are spoken? Do you guys “get” yourselves? Understanding is not just about spoken words? Certain actions, body language and expression shouldn’t need verbal interpretations. Do you enjoy the same jokes, Does he/she get when you’re being sarcastic? In every area are you compatible? If you are … wow, that’s great! If you aren’t, can it be worked at or is it a complete “Forget about it case”… Check am now.

Finances:  Serious subject, abi?  A lot of intending couples tend to shy away from this matter totally. In fact most do not know exactly the financial status of the other. This brings the issue of trust and honesty to the table. If you truly love each other, trust and are honesty with each other, discussing your finances shouldn't be an issue… So if this person is intended for life, abeg discuss it! It could also serve as a litmus test for your relationship sef. Let both partner be open and share details of bank accounts, investments, savings, debts, etc.?  Are either or both of you financially responsible?  If so you are off to a decent beginning here.  If not, you might be heading for TROUBLE!!!

Bills:  Yes, I mean the bills you both pay now, and the bills you will pay when you live together.  Its time to decide who is responsible for what, a lot of intending couples get married and assume the responsibility of the other. There is no clear agreement, who provides food in the house, who pays school fees? Do you collect you joint incomes and then allocated money each family need or do you work out of individual pockets? Na the things wey dey cause quarrel after marriage be this o, make una sit don talk am. Oga that your fiancée finally year school fees, if you marry am now shey you go pay, after that one she wan do master o, who go pay? Deal with this issues now so there are no hard feelings later.  How will the bills be split after marriage?  Each paying 50/50, or a percent based on income?

Career & Employment: Decision time!!! How important is career to each of you? How far are you willing to go? What sacrifices are you willing to make now and in the future for your career? What are short and long term goals in your career, in your education?  Do you need to revise these goals when you marry?  Who will revise their plans and in what way? It needs to be clear how each partner feels about the others career and employment status, if you hate his job, say so now and if you feel she is too ambitious, say so too…

Kids & Family: Yes o! Every Catholic couple should know that if they are to get married, they are to be open to have children so… Have you discussed the number you wish to have, male and/or female. Do you want kids immediately or you want to wait for some time? How to handle pressure from family and friends? What age difference you want between kids? What do you do in case of multiple births (twins or more)? What happens when there are no children? Hmm, plenty plenty things to discuss. It’s not an easy something. Aside from discussing kids, you also need to talk about family member, live in and visiting members. Establish your policies and agree upon them. How do you each get along with each other's family? Are there unresolved conflicts ( my family no like am)?  Is there a way to work out problems now so they do not escalate later and you find yourself asserting your position because everyone thinks of YOU as the outsider, not the extended family member? How do you defend each other when it comes to family conflicts? Remember na bone of your bone… Husband & wife first before others.

Personal Belongings: What do you both own now? How do you merge both belongings to setup one home, what do you sell from the bachelors pad? What do you give up as a spinster? What pets can/will you live with?  Can selling some items not needed help pay for the wedding?  Can you each be objective about the stuff you own, and acknowledge what you truly need and what can go?  If you guys are serious about taking the plunge, then it’s time to itemize your belongings and make that emotional decision. Don’t put it off any longer, do it before you plan the wedding.

Home Chores: I must say that it is unfair to expect the wife to work, go to the market, clean, mind to kids and attend to you "Chairman" all by herself, woman super but abeg… Man with all your physical strength try  to help with the chores. The best thing to do is divide it amongst yourselves. Who is responsible for the laundry, shopping, house cleaning, etc...A long list goes here!  Don't be fooled into thinking one or the other will automatically do it.  Anything that you can't agree on, please pay someone else to do.  One person can only do so much.

Fun Time: A lot of times the fun and excitement ends ones the lady enters the house and this actually is the major reason why some marriages are so boring. Intending couples usually set their mind on great expectations and adventures after marriage (the world travels and exotic holidays and so on) and do not really see the realities of life until after “I DO” then excuses come up as to why Fun is a thing of the past. Make plans now as to how to enjoy each other in marriage, come up with creative inexpensive ideas that keeps FUN around and not just once in a while but regularly.

Okay, so there you have it 10 things you need to clear up before you say “I DO”. If you have any other you might add, feel free to drop a comment below. Hope you like the info. You could suggest what you might want to read about next on this blog. Until next time, cheers.